Techie vs Tech Support

      We techies aren’t just power users who know our way around hardware and software. We aren’t crazy about owning the latest, most expensive equipment available; we are different from those who just buy to show off. Our obsession doesn’t end with just using our computers and gadgets faster, more easily and for much longer than average users. No, we also take an enormous pride in building and maintaining our machines, optimizing them till they look and feel exactly the way we want them to. And so our hardware and software becomes very personalized and very personal. Very few people are allowed to come anywhere near our computers, cellphones, game consoles and other belongings. They’re either never left unattended or are heavily barricaded with passwords and/or alarms, not so much for protecting any private data, but for ensuring that our custom toolbar arrangements aren’t messed with and that nobody downloads Bonzi Buddy when we’re away. The few people who are privileged enough to touch our computers usually have to contend with us monitoring them, complete with grimaces and sharp intakes of breath till we can stand it no longer and snatch the mouse back!

But while most of us do our own troubleshooting, diagnostics and repair, there are times when we have to call on someone else for help. We can swap out parts, diagnose problems, reformat our hard drives and reinstall operating systems, but if for example the Internet connection suddenly dies (and we’re sure it’s a problem at the ISP’s end and not ours), we need someone at the helpdesk to actually be helpful.

I, at least, hate calling helpdesks. It really does seem like most of them are manned by people who have no idea what they’re talking about. There’s no doubt that the majority of people they have to deal with aren’t comfortable delving into cryptic computer settings or checking wires and LED indicators, and I respect how difficult it is to guide someone over the phone. I even respect the fact that they have to run through their scripts, trying to diagnose faults, because procedure says so. But there’s no reason to believe that every caller is a beginner and needs to be treated like an imbecile.

Based on one particular experience this month, I just want to state a few simple ground rules for helpdesk operators to follow in the future. If I call you and precisely state not only my problem but also the steps I’ve already taken to identify it, I’d expect to either be transferred to a higher level (preferably a qualified engineer) or be dealt with in non-patronizing terms. I don’t want to be asked if all the “blinking lights” are working. I don’t want to be told to switch the cable modem off and on again. I don’t want to be told that my Wi-Fi router is at fault, because I’ve disconnected it already, tried three separate standalone PCs, and verified that I’m not talking through my hat. I can open my TCP/IP properties dialog box in under three seconds; it’s no more than an instinctive series of wrist twitches. So I don’t need to be guided through “Click the Start button…. Then click ‘My Computer’…” and listen to you droning on in your bored voice. Instead, listen to me SAYING the dialog’s already open, there’s nothing wrong with my settings, and I’m calling becuase can’t successfully ping the ISP’s gateway, which usually means something’s wrong with the service.

I don’t want to wait on hold for 40 minutes (listening to the same audio clip looping over and over again) before having to suffer all this. And I don’t want to call three nights in a row, only to be cheerfully told on the third night that because of heavy rains in the area, the ISP’s backend equipment has been damaged. I knew that a week ago, and have been trying to make you and your colleagues realize it! But the worst part? To be told that there’s a workaround—a simple change of IP address to a backup number—which takes less than 15 seconds to type in, and which I should have, by all rights, been informed about as soon as it was implemented! No word on when the new settings were put in place or how long they will have to remain.

I guess if my service does die again, it means I have to change back to my regular settings. But I’m not counting on any kind of notification or assistance from the helpdesk.